When you meet a guy you have chemistry with, it’s magical. Finally, after dating guys you don’t like, you meet someone that you do.
You don’t want to talk about it because it feels so good. However, you’ve been down this road a few times and you know that having a hot night doesn’t require a conversation, your body will take care of that. But, if you want a relationship, you need to talk about certain sex rules.
Here are 3 critical questions to ask before you’re intimate:
1. How exclusive are you?
You don’t need to work out exclusivity if you’re going for a one-night stand. But, if you want a long-term relationship, the first agreement you want to consider making is whether you’re going to be exclusive. What does exclusivity look like to you?
There are two parts to this question. One is, do you want to be sexually exclusive, meaning you only have sex with each other? Second, do you want to be socially exclusive, meaning you portray yourself as someone in a relationship and not as someone who is still single on dating apps?
You may think this is obvious. However, if you’ve ever slept with a guy and then went online and saw him still on an app, you know what I’m talking about.
2. How often are you going to see each other?
If you’re having a one-night stand and agree that you just want to see each other for one night, that is continuity. But, if you’re looking for something more than agreeing to see each other regularly, this will give you a foundation to do that.
Continuity usually plays out over time. However, seeing if someone wants to have it with you is important. Relationships are built over time and shared experiences. Continuity is the key for that to happen.
3. How long are you going to see each other?
If there’s one agreement that’s missing when a new coaching client calls me, it’s longevity. They’re exclusive, they see each other regularly, but they have no idea what each other’s long-term plan is.
This is especially dangerous with men. Men live by a simple code when it comes to sex: the less said, the better. Unfortunately, this code is not in your best interest or his if you want a long-term relationship.
Longevity simply means you’re establishing if you want to build something together and what your long-term relationship goals are. Are you aiming towards marriage and children or just having a lifetime partner? Or are you at a point in life where you’re exploring meeting different people?
The point is to find out and agree that you’re both on the same page.
When’s the right time to have this conversation with your man?
There are two steps to this answer. You want to talk about these questions before you have sex. However, there is one step that comes before it. That step is you getting to know him better.
For example, when he asks you for sex, he may not simply ask you (let’s be real here), he just makes a move on you and hopes it works out. At which point you say, “I like you and I’m attracted to you. You’re funny, smart, and sexy. However, I don’t feel comfortable having intercourse until I get to know you better. What do you think?”
If he agrees to get to know you better, it gives you time to establish a courtship where you can find out if you like him based on his actions. Does he want to see you regularly? Does he ask you to be his girlfriend and be exclusive? In your conversations, does he start to make long-term plans with you and invite you to meet his family and friends?
Over time, you might feel comfortable and ready to have sex with him.
The next time he makes a move on you (which he will), say, “I appreciate you taking the time to get to know me. I feel comfortable with you, you’re smart, sexy and funny. However, before we have sex I want to ask you. Do you want to be monogamous with me, sexually and socially? Do you want to see me regularly? Do you see me as someone you want to have a long-term relationship with aiming towards the possibility of marriage and children? Or as a life partner?”
You may be worried about killing the moment and spontaneity to which I say to you, people who know how to love have the ability to make and keep agreements.
A relationship is a series of kept agreements. Once you establish these three agreements you’re on the way to building a life together with all the spontaneity and moments you could ever ask for. Consider it.
The three agreements are exclusivity, continuity, and longevity. Ask for them and watch your relationship come to life in a way that will surprise you. There’s magic in what you ask for. And it’s how a man falls in love with you.
James Allen Hanrahan is a dating and relationship coach for women based in Los Angeles. He’s also the author of “A Life of Love” and “Dating Advice for Alpha Women.”